Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…