If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”