I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Guilty! 🤪
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.