Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
buys donuts instead
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.