Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Pretty sure he’s a ferret
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My dating profile: