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@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

@EndhooS

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

@KeetPotato

[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
“yeah”
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@robotmouthfarts

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

@bridger_w

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation