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@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@humanaaron

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*

@murrman5

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”