Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!