[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
sir, my pâté if you please
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme