My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Cheer up.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.