“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”