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@TheAverageShark

Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim

@GuyThe_Guy

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

@JoshuaHvr

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

@AllanForsyth

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

@AndLookPretty

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

@wildethingy

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

@Karissajem

So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

@andlikelaura

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”