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Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim


They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.


Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.


[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…


Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.


Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.


So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.


[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog


[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*

What the!? A cheesy board!?



“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”