*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Erm…
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf