Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.