There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.