ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see