“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Nomnomnomnom
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.