I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.