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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.


Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers


I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.


He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.


Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.


Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself


How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?


Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter


HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse