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@JasonLastname

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

@notmythirdrodeo

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

@Boba_Photo

I got a candy bar from the hotel mini bar if you’re wondering why I’ll be late with the mortgage this month.

@david8hughes

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

@BobGolen

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

@CrunkDriver

Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@pixelatedboat

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

@joejwest

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse