[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I’m crying im so happy for them
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?