[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.