Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If looks could kill
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]