Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth
Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral
Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven but there isn’t a church in the country that won’t encourage you to try.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex