“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”