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@captainkalvis

Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

@ValeeGrrl

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@StephenBCramer

The bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven but there isn’t a church in the country that won’t encourage you to try.

@Jenny4ashley

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

@pixelatedboat

New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders