Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”