FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You Might Also Like
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”