When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
58.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?