I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.