It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Said the murderer.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg