Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
real
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.