When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
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*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?