My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
They got Raph!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now