Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Every photo I’m tagged in
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount