In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*updates tinder bio*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
IT’S-A ME,
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.