Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you