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I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.


The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.



MARY: They’ve taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What’s Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—


They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.


Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.

Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?


6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-


H: Your mom is very smart


“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.


New superhero: The Delegator

“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”


YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u