It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
no their not
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
mood
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )