@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

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@divamonroe2uhoe

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

@AlanTheWriter

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

@Browtweaten

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

@pixelatedboat

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

@SICKOFWOLVES

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

@ThugRaccoons

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

@AndrewsNotFunny

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@EmSlyce

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess