16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
You Might Also Like
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem