Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
literally losing my entire damn mind over this.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED