16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
english majors be like furthermore
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.