Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
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Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.
-me as a therapist
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I am not a functional alcoholic.
I am a dysfunctional sober person.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.