16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.


I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.


Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.


Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what


Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right


Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious


Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist


Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff


I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.


How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.