WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright