@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

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@daddydoubts

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@tsm560

My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.

@English_Channel

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*