them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?