@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

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@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@AnniemuMary

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

@djdarrellripley

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@KeetPotato

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

@VeganZebra

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

@KeetPotato

[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change