@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

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@upsidedowntrash

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

@MunkMania

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

@KickSumHunibuns

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@GoodZiIIa

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

@shutupmikeginn

Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird

“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”

Oh, please take literally all of my money.

@MrAaronAbrams

I don’t get why I’m supposed to like someone who’s different in the streets and in the sheets sounds duplicitous just be a freak everywhere.

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

@Torriable

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

@KeetPotato

[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: “what do you fill the pillows with?”
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] “just stuff”