Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.
Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
You’re on my hair
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change