Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.
Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*