My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
That de-escalated quickly
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)