16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you