@mack44_d

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

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@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

@AndrewChamings

[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]

HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?

ME: Remains to be seen.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

@CherBear162

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

@bridger_w

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

@sixfootcandy

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

@kelkulus

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@DriftLight

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.