16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.