16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

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I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people


[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]

HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?

ME: Remains to be seen.


[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,


I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.


If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die


I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”


Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU


Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”


Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”


I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.