16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!


Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.


Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.


Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.

My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.


Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.


I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.


Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes


I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.


How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something


Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂