16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}