16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s