16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
i prefer mine room temperature.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I wish I could veto my bills.