Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Noah was an idiot.
I see your IQ test came back negative
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.