@hunz74

16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Throw it away.”

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@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@MaryJustice86

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

@HousewifeOfHell

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

@lisaxy424

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

@hippieswordfish

ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.