Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Me: “Throw it away.”
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My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
An odd boast
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.