16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes