@ADHDeanASL

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

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@seamusmckracken

If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”

I will magically appear.

@theshamingofjay

Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably

@bornmiserable

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@TheQuietPsycho

I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

@undeadmolly

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

@simoncholland

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

@Manda_like_wine

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.