16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it