16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

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Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs


I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.


Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.


Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.


Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.


“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”


How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?