@mommajessiec

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

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@tomcashgent

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@_correctomundo

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

@BeTheCookie

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

@toastymoe

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

@kelkatcox

Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@Fred_Delicious

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?