Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?