16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.


When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.


WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit


Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.


Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”


I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.


An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.


Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.


[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.