@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

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@Bob_Lesh

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

@Chel__CLE

When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

@dorsalstream

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

@Harbinger_one

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

@murrman5

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.