Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
the best thing i’ve ever made
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.