“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks