I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
A leaf blower, but for people.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.