*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Where’s my employee discount too?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“I FIXED IT!”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.