Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”