One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
*me flirting
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.